This isn’t going to be a preachy post, I promise, I’m firmly in the camp of a fed baby is a happy baby. But I wanted to put down how I felt about learning to breastfeed because it really wasn’t what I thought it would be like. I’m not writing this to scare people or put people off at all, but I wanted to be honest and if there are other girls going through the same thing then to know you’re not alone or that ‘your baby’s latch must be wrong’ – this statement makes me mad! And also, most importantly, to know that with time it does get better. I’m five months in and I love feeding my wee boy. 

I’d made my mind up before Little A came along that I was going to try and breastfeed. My mum and nan had done it so it was ‘in the family’ as such. I wanted to be as prepared as possible so I attended a breastfeeding class at the Princess Royal Maternity Hospital and after the class I felt excited and ready to have this incredible experience that would help me bond with my new baby. It sounded so wonderful and with all the plus points eagerly highlighted, I couldn’t understand why anyone wouldn’t try to feed their baby this way if they could. 

The reality

Fast forward to the reality of trying to breastfeed a new born when neither of you have any idea what you’re doing, you’re incredibly tired and it’s a whole different experience. Cue lots of tears. Mostly from me. 

What no one does tell you is how hard and blooming painful it actually is to begin with. Perhaps some mothers and babies do just take to it naturally. But for me (and a lot of other girls I’ve since spoken to) it took a whole lot of hard work, perseverance and blocking out the pain while desperately trying to feed. The way it’s described by midwives and in book such as Ready Steady Baby is that it happens naturally, is so easy and is truly all singing and all dancing. Well it wasn’t and I wish I’d known at the time that my experience for some girls, maybe not all, is generally how it goes. 

I used to dread feeding time. To begin with, Little A would feed fairly regularly around every 3 hours. And I would watch the clock while feeding, mainly willing it to be over and working out until what time I would have a reprieve before mentally having to psych myself up for the pain that came with every feed. This made me feel like a horrible mum. I wanted to enjoy each feed but I just couldn’t. I would gaze down at his gorgeous wee face, and love seeing him enjoying his food but wanting to cry my eyes out at the same time feeling sore but mixed in with good old ‘mum guilt’ too that I wasn’t cherishing every moment with him. 

Support for breastfeeding

I think I got the best start I could at the Princess Royal Maternity Unit in Glasgow. They let you stay in the hospital as long as you need to until they are happy that both mummy and baby are comfortable with the feeding. It gives you the time to focus on learning to feed without having to worry about anything else. And that time when your baby latches on and you can feel them feed properly for the first time is so amazing. But there are so many ups and downs you really do need patience and that reassurance that it does take time. It’s like learning to do anything new – it’s not going to be super easy and you need to work at it.

Apart from being incredibly stubborn, another reason that I didn’t give up was thanks to the breastfeeding support team in South Lanarkshire. A couple of days after leaving the hospital I received a phone call asking how the breastfeeding was going and I decided to be honest. Within an hour there was a lovely lady at my house helping me, just chatting through it and observing a feed. Knowing you have the support of someone/ a service you can pick the phone up to 24 hours a day is incredibly helpful.

Another time, I called them in tears having had yet another feed that felt like pulling glass. After putting in so much work I really didn’t want to give up but I was at the end of my limits. Mix in the tiredness, the hormones, the times where you feel so emotional and it’s pretty much a recipe for disaster. You need support, and sometimes not just from those closest to you. Thank goodness for the lovely lady from the team that turned up on my doorstep, sat with me for a couple of hours and gave me support but also talked me through options. I wasn’t left to feel like I was failing or that it was a like it or lump it situation. She listened, helped both me and Little A and didn’t judge. And it definitely helped. I no longer felt that I was failing but that this was actually fairly normal. After all, why would you have a support team if there was no need for it because everyone else was breastfeeding happy as larry!? Nope, I definitely wasn’t alone in this. Although I was too scared to go to any breastfeeding groups – I just couldn’t get my head around them and felt like I’d be judged or I would be sat in a room full of strangers crying my eyes out. 

Tell it like it is

I think what bugged me the most is that pre-baby no one tells you how much feeding hurts/ could hurt. It doesn’t always hurt thank god but to begin with, my goodness.

I guess it’s like riding a bike. Until you get the hang of it you will probably fall off and get a few scrapes, it will hurt. But people should be more open about this. Medical professionals should tell girls the truth. There’s so much emphasis in the UK on breastfeeding but it really is sold as a wonderfully easy thing. And then they wonder why the UK has the lowest number of women breastfeeding. Ok, sometimes in life you don’t want to know the bad stuff but girls know childbirth is painful, and people will gleefully share just how painful! But the thing is, girls still get pregnant and get the baby out, knowing it’s going to hurt like hell. So why not have the same honesty with breastfeeding? It’s only afterwards when you’ve got through the pain of feeding and you talk to people that you hear of people with very similar experiences. No one talks about it so you think it should be easy. That’s how it’s dressed up by midwives and in books. And it makes you feel like you’re doing something wrong or you’re a bad mum when it’s sore, you’re in tears and wondering why you’re failing.

I’ve recently just started listening to Giovanna Fletcher’s ‘Happy Mum, Happy Baby’ podcasts and they are awesome! Breastfeeding is talked about a lot, and I’ve had so many ‘oh my god, me too’ moments. If you’re struggling with feeding or just want to hear real views, give her podcasts a listen.